Back to a routine. That’s my goal now, get back in a routine. Make lists. Plan. Once in a while when I start to say something, it reminds me of my sister and tears instantly blur my vision. For the most part, though, the days go pretty much as they used to. The utility bill came for Mom’s house and my sister’s name was on it. I wondered if I should call them and take her name off, but that seemed like I was erasing her, which of course brought more tears. One day at a time.
I have very few pictures of my sister except as a little girl. I need to find a good one. I know there are plenty in my mother’s albums. She was a prolific picture taker. My nephew has returned to Germany, so the house is quiet. I have time to organize and think, but that isn’t always a good thing. Seeing a difficult death, especially of a loved one, brings many thoughts that aren’t easy to put out of one’s mind. I have so much more understanding of how difficult PTSD is for soldiers to get over. Time is helping the daytime, but so far, only the sleeping pills are helping the nights. I hope that changes soon.
The launch of my book “Rhyaden” is coming soon, November 13th in fact. My family has been working diligently without me to post the events and prepare for the party. I can’t thank them enough. I’m trying to get back into the spirit of it, and slowly, ever so slowly, I’m inching back. It’s just that it seems like I haven’t had time to grieve yet. I was so focused on advocating for my sister, I didn’t get to say goodbye to Mom, and now I’m just lost. Floundering. That is a good word to describe how I feel right now. Floundering, but not drowning, and I won’t. I’ll get back to shore pretty soon. Time will turn the tide.