Well, I haven’t blogged in several days, partly because of a nasty cold that got me down, once again confirming my theory of grief’s effect on the body. My immune system is shot! The misery of the cold let me slip back down that slippery slope into self-doubt and guilt that comes along with grief. Am I responsible for Dean’s death? Fortunately, a friend laughed at me just in time. How ridiculous? Do I think I have that kind of power? Since we all agree I’m not divine, I got past that moment pretty fast. No, I didn’t have the power to change the course of his disease nor how he reacted to it.
What I do have the power to do though, is move forward and help someone else. I have learned a lot. I learn by the school of hard knocks, as my father used to lament, but I have learned this lesson and if I can use that knowledge to ease someone else’s grief in some small way, then that is enough. I am back on my path to recovery and discovery.
In a somewhat ironic twist, the novel I am currently writing (started a year before Dean’s death) is about a woman losing her husband to a heart attack and then her year following his death. The book will have much more depth to it because of my recent experience but I can tell you right now, my next project is NOT going to have a thing to do with death!